the fears

i should calm down
but i cannot

dear God,
i’ve seen their true colors
dark and rotten
no more blood drops,
all white as bones

i am afraid,
they will knock my door

dear God,
have mercy on me
don’t say it is only a trial
please say …

You’ll take them away from me
or else, just take me away from them

it doesn’t matter which one

dear God,
i try to hold Your hand
but these fingers frozen
have mercy, on me.


diary for ahimsa

so many people are different from me
they are okay to kill
they don’t know the real meaning of compassion
i am so afraid encountering them

i have to pretend
i am strong and have no problems interacting with them
inside, i want to run and hide
i hate being born in this society

although i know somewhere out there,
rather faraway from here,
there must be some people like me,
when will i be able to be surrounded by such people

control myself, i gotta control myself
someday i will leave this world
i don’t want to leave with fear and regret
i want to set this heart free, just dissolve and disappear.

one life.

sometimes i will feel whenever talk to someone, it always lead to a fight. war of words, argues, and such hurtful comments, distrubing thoughts.
so i prefer to avoid having a conversation with that person, choose to lock the mouth and listening to songs through a headphone.
but if a must to engage in such conversation, prefer to act stupid, know nothing, carefree.
by this way, i think my lifespan won’t be shortened.

sometimes i feel insecure being stared by someone stranger, or someone i dislike.
i dislike that person because the character of the person is not sincere, unclean thoughts.
how do i know, because i feel and it is my personal intuition, no one will understand
therefore i choose to pretend not noticing that kind of stare, guard my eyes only focusing myself.

there are a lot of things i would like to do, but all failed to happen because i was too hesitate
and i always said to myself, “because they don’t really matters, they don’t have the urgency”.
and so day goes by like that, so many things i haven’t done, yet i don’t set them as crucial,
i measure my life quality by setting a standard of what “being in peaceful” meaning.

so i am imagining myself in a room, laying on the white floor, surrounded by white walls
outside this room is the abundant memories of my life, experiences and thoughts,
eventually i must ready for this separation, my hands carry nothing, the body sinked in numerous journeys
like a wind flies to numerous direction, like a flow of river to the ocean, like the waves swept the debris to the shore, like the turbulence of water drowns the ship, like the rain falls to the sea, like the air under the sky.




反證在我 心中還能笑﹐前哭了一場。




a shadow’s master

a shadow won’t ever leave its master.
it will faithfully accompany its master to the graveyard.
so let’s stop worrying each other,
we’ll be fine, walking our separated ways.

a shadow would tell the differences between light and darkness,
it will clearly reflect our heart, follow us thru years.
so what if we are no longer walk together ?
we have our own shadow, no one can separate it from us.

only when there’s no light
only when there’s no darkness
the shadow disappear,
just like us.

some people aren’t meant to be together til the end,
lets say a short-lived beautiful fate.
just because we choose different ways.
doesn’t mean one of us is wrong and the other is right.

somehow everything is crying;
the wind, the monastery bells, the rain, the breaths
my crying heart stops,
bittersweet, but it’s getting plain day by day.

refuse to think, refuse to feel.

burning all the love letters he sent to me
reread some, laughable.
long sigh, bittersweet smile.
no more tears left, refuse to think, refuse to feel.

after all these years,
it’s hard to say if to find a new heart again
this drenched one is not that bad
still beating, nothing really broken.

smile, and refuse to think, refuse to feel.
keep repeating this, on and on
til the day this heart flies to the empty sky,
let this faith dispersed in the air, just like him.

some days are farther than others

the death seems quite far, but the noise is just one door step away. i hide myself among books and shelves, near the window that farthest from the door.

the voice of a man who thinks he is a God’s messenger, soaked blooded hood and holding an executed head; he walked as if God himself.

my swollen hands, my remaining days with the sunlight. it shines, penetrates the cracked vases. how could I save the trapped butterflies with such given condition.

i pretend to sleep, my heart sings thousand songs of hope.

plenty people kneel down , in front of the destroyed bridge. lamenting the past, humming a separation song, whispering cries, screams. if the rain itself cries, how could I not swayed along the stream?

the ticket to come back to the spring, the strangers in unfamiliar place, the faraway loved ones. sewing the bonds, sincere based relationship.

just like pouring the salt into the ocean, those youth dreams, those idealism without wisdom. so I would never come out like this.

when only can depend on heaven’s mercy, i wish i could become the wind once this body decomposed, or burned.